I always shake my head at the so called “Friend argument” used by people who want to claim knowledge about and/or sympathy with a group, by referring to their “friends” belonging to this group. It is commonly used to absolve oneself from suspicion of racism, homophobia or other kinds of prejudice. It is a particular form of the “Not prejudiced, but…” statement. And that’s what brings me to the topic of this podcast.
Racism and homophobia and “being nice” to allow for comfort.
Let’s start with racism. Let’s focus on the Black and white interactions in our lives. I think these conversations are critical because, by virtually every measure, racial inequality persists, and institutions continue to be overwhelmingly controlled by white people. As a white man I could see myself as “not racist”, but realize that our society continues to reproduce racist outcomes and propagate segregated lives.
So what do white folks do when they try to answer the question: “How has your life been shaped by your race?” This is rarely a difficult question for people of color, but most white participants are unable to answer. This inability is not innocent. Suggesting that whiteness has no meaning creates an alienating – even hostile – climate for people of color working and living in predominantly white environments, and it does so in several ways.
To be white should lead to an understanding of what it means not to be white. To be white may mean I am unable to affirm, an alternate racial experience. I will lack the critical thinking and skills to navigate racial tensions in constructive ways. This creates a culture in which white people assume that niceness is the answer to racial inequality and people of color are required to maintain white comfort in order to survive.
I don’t mean to dish on younger white people who have been raised according to an ideology of colorblindness, but perhaps they have not honed their ability to grapple with racial dynamics with any nuance or complexity. They may be shocked when their colleagues of color testify powerfully to the many open and covert slights and indignities they endure. This may be followed by a white person talking about friends and colleagues to suggest to their own niceness to race.
We thought that we had a post-racial society during the Obama years, but this has been denied by our current political reality, such that some white people conceptualize racism as isolated and individual acts of intentional meanness rather than a systemic problem. This definition is convenient and comforting, in that it exempts so many white people from the system of white supremacy we live in and are shaped by.
This defense leads to the idea that nice people cannot be racist. Maybe they say that their friend volunteers at a non-profit group helping people at the margin. Not meaning to be racist also allows for absolution.
Thus, niceness may involve a light tone of voice smiling, compliments on hair or style. knowing people from the other’s community). Niceness, is fleeting, and hollow.
In addition to niceness, proximity is seen as evidence of a lack of racism. And, the expressions “I work in a diverse environment.” or “I know people of color.” doesn’t hack it. These attempts are not derived from a shared experience.
Most white people live segregated lives and in fact have no lasting cross-racial relationships. They are in the position to choose segregation and often do. But the deception of niceness adds a confusing layer that makes it difficult for people of color to decipher trustworthy allies from disingenuous white liberalism. We can reproduce racial inequality when white people to be really nice and carry on – to smile at people of color, to go to lunch with them on occasion. Being nice is generally a better policy than being mean but but niceness does not bring racism to the table.
This white fragility should be replaced by acknowledging ourselves as racial beings with a particular and limited perspective on race. We need authentic interactions rather than social media posts. We can insist that racism be discussed in our workplaces and a professed commitment to racial equity be demonstrated by actual outcomes. We can get involved in organizations working for racial justice such as the National Association of Black and White Men Together.
And now to the second thread of this podcast: comfort and sex inequality.
We live in a homophobic environment where overt and covert sex prejudice exists, for example, “micro aggressions,” are many small ways in which minorities are reminded of their inferiority by the dominant culture, and can lead to depression or poorer health outcomes for those on the receiving end.
The offenses be overtly rude (for example, asking a lesbian “Have you ever had REAL sex?”), to innocent mistakes (like addressing an androgynous-looking person with the “wrong” pronoun).
We need to teach more people about micro aggressions, in order to educate people about how hurtful micro aggressions are and how they negatively affect people’s lives.
And, another way could be to show that self-esteem can act as a protective mechanism from the harm. A confident, comfortably out LGBTQ individual is unlikely to experience much stress from being the object of honest curiosity or innocent mistakes.
And we must provide robust, queer-friendly social networks and organizations such as the National Organizations of Black and White Men Together which foster a secure sense of themselves both within the queer community and the culture at large.
So, just like the comments on being nice to racial minorities, the same holds for queer people. You may not have the experiences of the LGBTQ community, but have authentic interactions, not “nice” ones. Make sure sexual injustice is discussed in our workplaces and a commitment to sexual and racial equity brings true and fair outcomes.
Source: guardian.com, slate.com
